cry. the striving to live for Christ is a hard one. and sometimes i am my own worst enemy in the process. just when i thought that i could control my tongue, that was my downfall, again. pride, the mother of all downfalls. = ( it hurts me, when i hurt other pple unknowingly. the sleep deprivation and window cleaner fumes haven't been helping either. another bad thing is, i may have caused other christians to stumble. it makes me feel like a hypocrite. this is not good. but then again, no human can be completely infallible. but the thing is, when i shine a light for my Saviour, i want to reflect Him, and in order to do that i have to die to myself and my human ways. all i can do is to make peace with everybody involved, including God,pick myself back up and keep trying again. the walk is a hard, if not almost impossible one, all one can do is to keep trying to be sinless, and sin less.i could not do anything, but i want to please my Father in heaven, if only to thank Him for saving me by grace. i haven't been myself for a long long time. brain frying...some jekyll and hyde thing. or maybe both at the same time. going to have a busy busy week. i haf windows to clean to keep my family sane, stuff to pack for oz, things to settle wif my jc, an interview wif the CHAIRMAN, omigoodness, worship to prepare for on saturday, and i want to do my best for the Lord, a bbq to settle on sunday...whoa. and i am supposed to be jobless now. yesterday's young adults cell, now otherwise called yacell, sounds like a telco, was interesting. but it was also hard for me to get into the swing of things. some things were a bit profound, but that's good coz i have always wanted to get a deeper understanding of the Bible and of God. this intuitive bible study thing is really new to me, i never thought that it could be done that way. i learn a new thing everyday. a lot of pple r trying to get a piece of me before i go. especially those who r closest to me, my family. i should try to bond with them as much as i can, but its hard when its one-sided. on my side. i really don't know what they want me to do. stay at home and...? i don't see how that will cure their empty nest syndrome. it doesn't make any sense to me. i just hope that i will be able to get sponsorship so my parents can hire a maid. the family will be a lot happier then but i won't be around to finally enjoy a loving family. y must things material be more important than things immaterial in my family? = ( i would rather have nothing but my family's love and happiness, hired help would be a big step forward. going to go out with hamy now. fun! = ) to just stone and hang around together.