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Today in Obstetrics: How To Abort A Foetus From The Inside Out (PG)

A subcutaneous embrytomy is used to remove a decomposed foetus without sharp bones poking the mum by being covered with the dead foetus'own skin.

Step 1. Pump a dead calf full of air to simulate bacterial decomposition.

Step 2. Stuff calf into artificial cow.

Step 3. Hang on to any of the bits of calf that is poking out of the vagina with ropes and/or chains.

Step 4. Go in with a palm knife and slice the skin open along one leg.

Step 5. Pull the skin away from the leg.

Step 6. Pull the leg away from the body by jerking on it HARD.

Step 7. The same can be done for the other leg.

Step 8. Go in through the hole in the skin with a long sharp hook, and starting from the last rib in front of the chest, dislocate the ribs one by one by (you guessed it) jerking hard.

Step 9. Go in and remove semi-frozen organs like heart, lungs and all other viscera. In a real case the organs would be warm and VERY smelly.

Step 10. Dislocate the hips on both sides by using the metal cutting hook again and (here we go): jerking hard.

Step 11. By this time the calf should be able to be pulled out without much resistance. All with no sharp bones poking out to hurt the mun.

Step 12. Spend the next 10 minutes picking assorted bits of cow like hair, skin and organs off each others overalls.

Step 13. Question self. Do I still want to work with large animals? OF COURSE!!! Gross but true.

How To Perform An Embryotomy (PG)

From A Vet Student's Perspective

This week in obstetrics we learnt how to do an embryotomy by practicing on dead calves from the abbatoir.

An embryotomy is basically an abortion done at full term on a fetus that is too large to deliver normally. In that case it is already dead before the procedure is done.

Step 1: "Load" the embryotome. A long metal pole that gets abrasive wire to form a loop.

Step 2: Insert the embryotome into the uterus and loop the abrasive wire around the head, neck, torso or limbs.

Step 3: Tighten the wire, keeping the tension on to prevent slippage.

Step 4: With one person holding the embryotome in place, another (preferably a strong muscleman) pulls on both ends with a rowing machine motion, alternating fast.

Step 5: Get rid of your gym membership, because if you have to be on the other end of an embyotome, who needs the gym?

Step 6: Once the wire has cut the offending body part by abrasion, pull it out.

Step 7: Admire nice handiwork, especially if the embryotome actually cut in a straight line across half a skull.

Step 8: Admire one's own biceps. As I said, who needs a gym when one can do embryotomies.

Obstetrics is Exhilarating!(PG)

So Far Anyway...

For our first obstetrics lab we got to practice assisting in calf deliveries from "phantom" cows. These are false cows with hip bones placed in a real configuration. Then we get dead calves from the abbatoir, place them in a plastic rice gunny sack in different positions and practice pulling them out.

There are different instruments to use, mainly ropes to tie on the legs and then pull.

Once I manipulated my first calf to the proper position inside the "womb", I attached the ropes and pulled. Even though it was just a dead calf, I felt this rush when it came out. It was amazing! I didn't know I would feel like that, it was totally unexpected.

It's sort of the same kind of kick I get when doing surgery as well.

Maybe slowly but surely I am finding which areas of vet I really could specialise in.

Balls! (PG)

Animal Reproductive Fitness Exams

WARNING: MALES READING ANY FURTHER MAY FEEL SYMPATHETIC PAIN IN THEIR GROINS.

Over the past few weeks I've examined rams, bulls and stallions bits. Electro-ejaculation with a tampon-like probe up their rectum had to be done to examine their sperm. We even have to manually erect their penises to get a proper look.

In a bull this involves some other stimaulation, namely an arm up their rectum so they can't pull their penis in. Someone else grabs the base and grabs the tip to examine the fully-erect penis.

Now bull and ram penises are quite rigid, slightly different from the soft ones that humans have that have to be filled with blood. Stallions on the other hand are pretty similar to humans. To get them erect a mare has to be placed in front of them to get the stallion aroused.

In a ram you just have to hold on to the base of the penis to stop it going back and grab in to the tip.

There were also many ram testicles to palpate and feel. Some only had one testicle, others had spotty testicles or large hard growths inside them. Some had testicles that were too small for their size.

I've never felt so many balls in my life. I think I will have to feel much more (animal) balls in the future.

Veterinary Work Related Nerve Compression (PG)

Been Up Too Many Animals' Behinds

As part of my reproduction and obstetrics rotations, my right arm mainly has been up bull's, cow's and "phantom" cow's behinds.

Apparently the long hours have compressed the nerve in my right arm and caused some numbness, tingling and pain. The animals like to constrict their anus against my arm, stopping most of the circulation. My problem is I stay in an animal to feel for what I have to feel even when my arm is so numb. Then when I come out I don't rest for long enough between animals before going in again. I like to take every oppurtunity possible to gain experience in pregnancy testing. I stick with the same arm too long as it is a bit of a hassle to change gloves between animals. Maybe I'm more susceptible to the compression because my arm is smaller.

Down to the Murdoch chiropratic clinic! They gave me microcurrent therapy, I didn't feel a thing, but felt much better afterwards. Apparently I shouldn't be stuck inside animal behinds that long. I should try using my left hand as well and resting more in between.

Boys are hairy, SHEAR them!

Horse Reproduction (PG)

The Rotation

Warning: The following account contains very graphic details that may disturb certain persons sensitive to descriptions of genital manipulations. THIS MEANS YOU ADI!!!

Friday afternoon was spent arm-length deep into female horses rectums. The weather didn't seem so cold anymore. The horses kept me warm from the inside out.

No it wasn't some perverted unnatural act, it was a pretty common vet thing to do for large animals called "rectal palpation".

What do you do if there is no high-tech ultrasound or x-ray machine around and you need to check on a horse's or cow's inner reproductive health? You do a rectal palpation.

Step 1: Catch horse. Easier said than done. Especially if the horse is naughty. And a lot of horses are.

Step 2: You can go straight into a rectal palpation in the field but it IS safer in a special holding "stocks" where the horse can't kick you or run away.

Step 3: Bandage tail so hair doesn't go flying everywhere.

Step 4: Put on arm length plastic gloves with a LOT of lubricant.

(Optional: A "calving sleeve" over the glove, this holds the glove in place, and even more importantly PREVENTS poo, pee and other assorted junk like pus going down your clothes. I was SO gald I invested in one, most of my classmates had brown armpits after the practical.)

Step 5: With fingers held in a cone shape "dive" into the anus. Make SURE it IS the anus, not the vagina. Although it IS possible to do a vaginal palpation, it should be avoided unless you have made yourself pretty sterile. How do you know you've gone into the vagina? You arms will come out clean and poo-free.

(Optional: Ann, our lecturer, said you could extract whatever poo was in the rectum to make you look "cool" and "professional". Actually, it's quite fun.)

(Also optional: You can give the horse a local anaesthetic or muscle relaxant to reduce the constrictions within the rectum to give better access to internal structures.)

Step 6: Proceed to examine structures through the rectal wall especially the uterus and ovaries. In other circumstances you may want to feel the bones of the hips, the bladder and in cases of gas, intestine distension. You can also introduce an internal ultrasound to check things out in further detail.

I spent quite a while doing this because it was my first time in a horse, and my first horse happened to be a young mare with a small undeveloped reproductive system.

It was only hours after I had spent in the two horses that I examined that I finally located the ovaries in the last half hour of the class.

That was well worth the cutting off of blood flow to BOTH my arms. Until yesterday they were still throbbing slightly.

I think that horses don't squeeze as bad as cows. But I may have forgotten how it felt like. My last cow rectal palpation was 2 years ago. But I'll find out soon enough. Cow palpations will be on this Friday!

Step 7: Once arms have fallen off body, throw gloves away and proceed to wash any lubricant on the horse off with detergent.

Step 8: UNbandage horse's tail. They prefer it naked thank you very much.

Step 9: Release horse into paddock. Preferably giving it a treat at the same time to reduce the trauma of having many a vet student examine it from inside it's behind.